The Cluttered Mind

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Of Personality and Regrets

I wouldn't say I have an abrasive personality.

Outspoken and at times overly aggressive would be a more apt description. That being said, one tends to forget that your personality traits (both good and bad) come to the fore most often when you forget yourself.

People only remember the negative things you've done or said, even if no offense was given. They also hold meaningless grudges for the most petty of things.

Such petty things may involve racial prejudice, fear of being shown up, envy, vilifying others in order to obtain favors, or just plain listening too much to and being influenced by other people (case in point being "friends" and their parents)

Having a personality such as mine, which has been influenced by life and all it's ugliness, can become overbearing to people.

I'm usually not aware of how I come across, nor do I even care. I've been around and seen too much of the world to really give a crap about what people think of me.

However, it is infuriating that they are so myopic and petty, and unwilling to accept you for who you are. That is the meaning of companionship. I've never betrayed my friends, family, or companions, but have been screwed over royally by some.

Thankfully, the instances are few and far between, because I choose my friends and acquaintances carefully. Due to the nomadic lifestyle I've had over my formative years, life-long bonds haven't developed. It was only during my college days that I formed a couple lasting friendships.

I am thoroughly grateful for that.

Moving on to regrets, (and mind you, this is in the context of aforementioned personality traits and friendship), I have many.

The biggest of these is not having had life-long friends and relationships during my younger years. And more recently, the falling away of some friendships, usually through changes in the other persons' perspective of me and my personality or character.

That those who I regarded as friends were so easily swayed by others, and perceived me as a negative influence, is the biggest regret.

Of course, I did not cry a river and create a scene, but gave back despite and ridicule in equal and excessive measure. Not in my nature to turn the other cheek or pull punches.

If there's one thing I hate, it's cowards, backstabbers, and suck-ups (okay, that's three things, but you get the gist).

Over the years, I've come to realize that this country and it's lazy culture does not accept aggression or forthrightness. Instead, mollycoddling and pandering are lapped up by the bucket-loads.

I am too old to bother conforming to this norm, and won't alter who or what I am just to get ahead in life.

What will be, will be.

Most would see such as arrogance, or overconfidence, but throughout my entire life, I've forged ahead on my own..alone.

This is simply strength of character and will. There may be doubts, second-guessing, that one with such a hyper-active and intellectual mind such as mine would ruminate over. Yet, I won't waver whilst traveling upon this current path I am on.

I don't recall asking anyone for favors or "hand holding" assistance in helping me progress through academic or professional life. Indeed, I am grateful to those who did provide assistance and knowledge, and I will never forget that.

However, if you vilify me due to your lack of character and morals, that is your flaw, and not something about my personality or character that I should remedy in order to placate you.

Like they say, "..pearls before swine.."

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Of Birthdays and Bleakness

This last weekend, the 20th and 21st of July, was probably one of the few days I've enjoyed myself in a long while.

It was my 32nd birthday on the 20th, so went to watch Pacific Rim with a friend. Then polished off a bottle of Southern Comfort.

All in all, was relaxing, nothing spectacular or over the top. This is mostly because I'm a very private person, and value my free time.

Yet, like all other birthdays, on that one particular day I look back and reflect on life. I examine and question where I am against where I planned to be.

Asking the question, what have I achieved after all these years, only one answer repeatedly rings in the confines of my head.

Absolutely nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special, nothing different. Got a degree, got a job..which is what most everyone else is doing.

Overall, progress has halted. I haven't gotten any advanced certifications or degrees. Money and time being the issue when you're a single hombre, trying to make a life for yourself.

All in all, I have nothing. No property, no assets, no bank balance..and not even any dreams anymore.

I can only look back, in bitterness at the nothing I've achieved, and to the future with bleakness at more repetition of the past years.

Everything I do nowadays is born of desperation. Clasping at straws and illusions of grandeur. There is no plan anymore, and no doors that open. No way out.

Not ranting or complaining, just resigned to the way things are..and maybe meant to be. There has been very little true happiness in my life.

I have struggled to keep going, to not let my weaknesses cripple me, but I am at the end of my tether. Done all I can, and that's the ultimate truth for me. So much of life wasted trying to make up for past setbacks.

The image that comes to mind is ashes blowing away through the fingers of my hands.

For I feel indeed that I am grasping at the burned out remains of my hopes, dreams, and empty life.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Further Introspection

This isn't just a funk, it's a very real and dire crisis on the metaphysical and mental level.

I thought I would recover by the end of last year, and push through it all by going about the daily grind.

No, it didn't work.

Nothing is alright. Blown through and over the annual and sick leave, complete and utter lethargy and apathy are the norm 24/7 for me. People at work and otherwise around me are noticing, but I don't really care at the moment. There is the me going through it all, and then there is the me observing it all, if that makes sense.

I just can't think focus on any one thing at the moment. Can't reach down inside me to that place where I've drawn upon the innate stubbornness and resolve to achieve something, no matter the price or time taken.

It's a very strange thing, not being able to bring out that part of me. Hard to say or identify what happened. I'm not saying what I actually think anymore, am less than convincing with words, rationalizations, and general opinions.

I need to get past all this. I think the problem is that I'm extremely reluctant to bring out the fighter in me, the real me. The me who knows he is better than his current state, the me who takes no prisoners when the heart is hardened and will is steel.

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm burned out, of this country, of work, of life. Toss in the lack of a challenge, or goal, and you have a major situation for a person like me.

I can't relax, stop thinking or daydreaming. I just don't know anymore. Actually, I do know, just don't care now.

This is NOT where I am supposed to or want to be. I used to actually think and believe that I had a destiny, that it could be influenced and shaped by mine own hands, through pure resolve and hard work.

But no longer. That belief is no longer there. I think that belief disappeared when I lost the one hope I had held on to since my younger days. The final destiny for my being on this path of life, is no longer there.

That's it basically. I have nothing to live or die for. I merely exist, day to day, watching the world pass me by, and not giving a damn.

I understand that the world is tough, and that life isn't easy, but I can't catch a break anymore. Nothing satisfies, because I'm not fighting for or working towards anything anymore.

Deep down, there are a lot of regrets and plenty of bitterness, which in the past has been used to fuel ambition and drive.

Where and when did all those hopes and dreams fade away? The real me is no longer at the fore of my personality. Behind these eyes, is just a thin surface personality that is there, going through the motions, speaking the words, but not representative of the real me.

This isn't an identity or midlife crisis. This is a consistent malaise which has plagued me throughout life.

I've gotten through these dark times by focusing on the future, coming up with a plan and course of action.

However, now, there is nothing.

The problem here is that the real me is so far back inside me, that he can't be grabbed by the throat and put on the front-lines to fight, to bring out the fire, to be the person that has left a lasting impression on my friends, colleagues, family, and acquaintances.

Maybe, I'm just waiting..for something. Who knows what though. Hope? Opportunity? Life? Death?

Who knows anymore?

There is a real fury and resolve that has been tamped down or contained, and I don't know why. It bugs me, because I'm not happy without a fight, without rage, righteous wrath, and pure vitriol.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


During introspection, one tends to think along multiple trains of thought, and express such in words, but never completely or to a final conclusion.

Thus, rambling will be the theme of this blog post.

Many things have changed with and within yours truly over the past two years.

First there was frustration at a lack of progress in achieving life goals, namely career and in regards to quality of life. This eventually came about, but only through constant and belligerent efforts.

Eventually boredom set in, which killed off any motivation and ambition. Looking to new things to pique interest, I bumbled along without regard for self.

Long story short,  apathy became my "modus operandi". Nothing satisfies now.

With it, came a bleakness that expressed itself as a complete disregard for hope, feeling, or self-worth. I've become more anti-social than ever before. Any time people get close, I just cut them off. Simply do not want to associate with other people beyond the required levels really.

When you've been fighting all your life, despite the desire to give it up, this bleakness is a killer. Work suffers, health suffers, and lifestyle suffers.

I'll be 32 this year, one year shy of the personal age mark I've set for myself. Don't ask why 33, too much to explain on too many levels.

All the avenues I try to better my life, hit a dead end. There is absolutely NO progression whatever, in improving quality of life, or the pursuit of happiness.

Basically, I've given up. Whatever happens, will happen.. I don't give a crap anymore. Not expecting handouts or special consideration or whatever, but I do expect some reward for efforts expended.

Is this a mid-life crisis? I don't think so, because if it was, then why have I been here before so many times?

Who knows anymore?

It is hard to express things completely, because these are bundles of things, on many levels and more complex than anyone could comprehend.

Self worth, I think, is the issue here. I determine my self worth by the goals I achieve within a time frame set for myself. Whether those goals and time frames are realistic or not, doesn't matter.

It's the only way to keep going, to escape and remedy the past.