The Cluttered Mind

Friday, April 26, 2013

Further Introspection

This isn't just a funk, it's a very real and dire crisis on the metaphysical and mental level.

I thought I would recover by the end of last year, and push through it all by going about the daily grind.

No, it didn't work.

Nothing is alright. Blown through and over the annual and sick leave, complete and utter lethargy and apathy are the norm 24/7 for me. People at work and otherwise around me are noticing, but I don't really care at the moment. There is the me going through it all, and then there is the me observing it all, if that makes sense.

I just can't think focus on any one thing at the moment. Can't reach down inside me to that place where I've drawn upon the innate stubbornness and resolve to achieve something, no matter the price or time taken.

It's a very strange thing, not being able to bring out that part of me. Hard to say or identify what happened. I'm not saying what I actually think anymore, am less than convincing with words, rationalizations, and general opinions.

I need to get past all this. I think the problem is that I'm extremely reluctant to bring out the fighter in me, the real me. The me who knows he is better than his current state, the me who takes no prisoners when the heart is hardened and will is steel.

Maybe part of the problem is that I'm burned out, of this country, of work, of life. Toss in the lack of a challenge, or goal, and you have a major situation for a person like me.

I can't relax, stop thinking or daydreaming. I just don't know anymore. Actually, I do know, just don't care now.

This is NOT where I am supposed to or want to be. I used to actually think and believe that I had a destiny, that it could be influenced and shaped by mine own hands, through pure resolve and hard work.

But no longer. That belief is no longer there. I think that belief disappeared when I lost the one hope I had held on to since my younger days. The final destiny for my being on this path of life, is no longer there.

That's it basically. I have nothing to live or die for. I merely exist, day to day, watching the world pass me by, and not giving a damn.

I understand that the world is tough, and that life isn't easy, but I can't catch a break anymore. Nothing satisfies, because I'm not fighting for or working towards anything anymore.

Deep down, there are a lot of regrets and plenty of bitterness, which in the past has been used to fuel ambition and drive.

Where and when did all those hopes and dreams fade away? The real me is no longer at the fore of my personality. Behind these eyes, is just a thin surface personality that is there, going through the motions, speaking the words, but not representative of the real me.

This isn't an identity or midlife crisis. This is a consistent malaise which has plagued me throughout life.

I've gotten through these dark times by focusing on the future, coming up with a plan and course of action.

However, now, there is nothing.

The problem here is that the real me is so far back inside me, that he can't be grabbed by the throat and put on the front-lines to fight, to bring out the fire, to be the person that has left a lasting impression on my friends, colleagues, family, and acquaintances.

Maybe, I'm just waiting..for something. Who knows what though. Hope? Opportunity? Life? Death?

Who knows anymore?

There is a real fury and resolve that has been tamped down or contained, and I don't know why. It bugs me, because I'm not happy without a fight, without rage, righteous wrath, and pure vitriol.