The Cluttered Mind

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Of Personality and Regrets

I wouldn't say I have an abrasive personality.

Outspoken and at times overly aggressive would be a more apt description. That being said, one tends to forget that your personality traits (both good and bad) come to the fore most often when you forget yourself.

People only remember the negative things you've done or said, even if no offense was given. They also hold meaningless grudges for the most petty of things.

Such petty things may involve racial prejudice, fear of being shown up, envy, vilifying others in order to obtain favors, or just plain listening too much to and being influenced by other people (case in point being "friends" and their parents)

Having a personality such as mine, which has been influenced by life and all it's ugliness, can become overbearing to people.

I'm usually not aware of how I come across, nor do I even care. I've been around and seen too much of the world to really give a crap about what people think of me.

However, it is infuriating that they are so myopic and petty, and unwilling to accept you for who you are. That is the meaning of companionship. I've never betrayed my friends, family, or companions, but have been screwed over royally by some.

Thankfully, the instances are few and far between, because I choose my friends and acquaintances carefully. Due to the nomadic lifestyle I've had over my formative years, life-long bonds haven't developed. It was only during my college days that I formed a couple lasting friendships.

I am thoroughly grateful for that.

Moving on to regrets, (and mind you, this is in the context of aforementioned personality traits and friendship), I have many.

The biggest of these is not having had life-long friends and relationships during my younger years. And more recently, the falling away of some friendships, usually through changes in the other persons' perspective of me and my personality or character.

That those who I regarded as friends were so easily swayed by others, and perceived me as a negative influence, is the biggest regret.

Of course, I did not cry a river and create a scene, but gave back despite and ridicule in equal and excessive measure. Not in my nature to turn the other cheek or pull punches.

If there's one thing I hate, it's cowards, backstabbers, and suck-ups (okay, that's three things, but you get the gist).

Over the years, I've come to realize that this country and it's lazy culture does not accept aggression or forthrightness. Instead, mollycoddling and pandering are lapped up by the bucket-loads.

I am too old to bother conforming to this norm, and won't alter who or what I am just to get ahead in life.

What will be, will be.

Most would see such as arrogance, or overconfidence, but throughout my entire life, I've forged ahead on my own..alone.

This is simply strength of character and will. There may be doubts, second-guessing, that one with such a hyper-active and intellectual mind such as mine would ruminate over. Yet, I won't waver whilst traveling upon this current path I am on.

I don't recall asking anyone for favors or "hand holding" assistance in helping me progress through academic or professional life. Indeed, I am grateful to those who did provide assistance and knowledge, and I will never forget that.

However, if you vilify me due to your lack of character and morals, that is your flaw, and not something about my personality or character that I should remedy in order to placate you.

Like they say, "..pearls before swine.."

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Of Birthdays and Bleakness

This last weekend, the 20th and 21st of July, was probably one of the few days I've enjoyed myself in a long while.

It was my 32nd birthday on the 20th, so went to watch Pacific Rim with a friend. Then polished off a bottle of Southern Comfort.

All in all, was relaxing, nothing spectacular or over the top. This is mostly because I'm a very private person, and value my free time.

Yet, like all other birthdays, on that one particular day I look back and reflect on life. I examine and question where I am against where I planned to be.

Asking the question, what have I achieved after all these years, only one answer repeatedly rings in the confines of my head.

Absolutely nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special, nothing different. Got a degree, got a job..which is what most everyone else is doing.

Overall, progress has halted. I haven't gotten any advanced certifications or degrees. Money and time being the issue when you're a single hombre, trying to make a life for yourself.

All in all, I have nothing. No property, no assets, no bank balance..and not even any dreams anymore.

I can only look back, in bitterness at the nothing I've achieved, and to the future with bleakness at more repetition of the past years.

Everything I do nowadays is born of desperation. Clasping at straws and illusions of grandeur. There is no plan anymore, and no doors that open. No way out.

Not ranting or complaining, just resigned to the way things are..and maybe meant to be. There has been very little true happiness in my life.

I have struggled to keep going, to not let my weaknesses cripple me, but I am at the end of my tether. Done all I can, and that's the ultimate truth for me. So much of life wasted trying to make up for past setbacks.

The image that comes to mind is ashes blowing away through the fingers of my hands.

For I feel indeed that I am grasping at the burned out remains of my hopes, dreams, and empty life.