The Cluttered Mind

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Of Birthdays and Bleakness

This last weekend, the 20th and 21st of July, was probably one of the few days I've enjoyed myself in a long while.

It was my 32nd birthday on the 20th, so went to watch Pacific Rim with a friend. Then polished off a bottle of Southern Comfort.

All in all, was relaxing, nothing spectacular or over the top. This is mostly because I'm a very private person, and value my free time.

Yet, like all other birthdays, on that one particular day I look back and reflect on life. I examine and question where I am against where I planned to be.

Asking the question, what have I achieved after all these years, only one answer repeatedly rings in the confines of my head.

Absolutely nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special, nothing different. Got a degree, got a job..which is what most everyone else is doing.

Overall, progress has halted. I haven't gotten any advanced certifications or degrees. Money and time being the issue when you're a single hombre, trying to make a life for yourself.

All in all, I have nothing. No property, no assets, no bank balance..and not even any dreams anymore.

I can only look back, in bitterness at the nothing I've achieved, and to the future with bleakness at more repetition of the past years.

Everything I do nowadays is born of desperation. Clasping at straws and illusions of grandeur. There is no plan anymore, and no doors that open. No way out.

Not ranting or complaining, just resigned to the way things are..and maybe meant to be. There has been very little true happiness in my life.

I have struggled to keep going, to not let my weaknesses cripple me, but I am at the end of my tether. Done all I can, and that's the ultimate truth for me. So much of life wasted trying to make up for past setbacks.

The image that comes to mind is ashes blowing away through the fingers of my hands.

For I feel indeed that I am grasping at the burned out remains of my hopes, dreams, and empty life.

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