During introspection, one tends to think along multiple trains of thought, and express such in words, but never completely or to a final conclusion.
Thus, rambling will be the theme of this blog post.
Many things have changed with and within yours truly over the past two years.
First there was frustration at a lack of progress in achieving life goals, namely career and in regards to quality of life. This eventually came about, but only through constant and belligerent efforts.
Eventually boredom set in, which killed off any motivation and ambition. Looking to new things to pique interest, I bumbled along without regard for self.
Long story short, apathy became my "modus operandi". Nothing satisfies now.
With it, came a bleakness that expressed itself as a complete disregard for hope, feeling, or self-worth. I've become more anti-social than ever before. Any time people get close, I just cut them off. Simply do not want to associate with other people beyond the required levels really.
When you've been fighting all your life, despite the desire to give it up, this bleakness is a killer. Work suffers, health suffers, and lifestyle suffers.
I'll be 32 this year, one year shy of the personal age mark I've set for myself. Don't ask why 33, too much to explain on too many levels.
All the avenues I try to better my life, hit a dead end. There is absolutely NO progression whatever, in improving quality of life, or the pursuit of happiness.
Basically, I've given up. Whatever happens, will happen.. I don't give a crap anymore. Not expecting handouts or special consideration or whatever, but I do expect some reward for efforts expended.
Is this a mid-life crisis? I don't think so, because if it was, then why have I been here before so many times?
Who knows anymore?
It is hard to express things completely, because these are bundles of things, on many levels and more complex than anyone could comprehend.
Self worth, I think, is the issue here. I determine my self worth by the goals I achieve within a time frame set for myself. Whether those goals and time frames are realistic or not, doesn't matter.
It's the only way to keep going, to escape and remedy the past.