Introspection

During introspection, one tends to think along multiple trains of thought, and express such in words, but never completely or to a final conclusion.

Thus, rambling will be the theme of this blog post.

Many things have changed with and within yours truly over the past two years.

First there was frustration at a lack of progress in achieving life goals, namely career and in regards to quality of life. This eventually came about, but only through constant and belligerent efforts.

Eventually boredom set in, which killed off any motivation and ambition. Looking to new things to pique interest, I bumbled along without regard for self.

Long story short,  apathy became my "modus operandi". Nothing satisfies now.

With it, came a bleakness that expressed itself as a complete disregard for hope, feeling, or self-worth. I've become more anti-social than ever before. Any time people get close, I just cut them off. Simply do not want to associate with other people beyond the required levels really.

When you've been fighting all your life, despite the desire to give it up, this bleakness is a killer. Work suffers, health suffers, and lifestyle suffers.

I'll be 32 this year, one year shy of the personal age mark I've set for myself. Don't ask why 33, too much to explain on too many levels.

All the avenues I try to better my life, hit a dead end. There is absolutely NO progression whatever, in improving quality of life, or the pursuit of happiness.

Basically, I've given up. Whatever happens, will happen.. I don't give a crap anymore. Not expecting handouts or special consideration or whatever, but I do expect some reward for efforts expended.

Is this a mid-life crisis? I don't think so, because if it was, then why have I been here before so many times?

Who knows anymore?

It is hard to express things completely, because these are bundles of things, on many levels and more complex than anyone could comprehend.

Self worth, I think, is the issue here. I determine my self worth by the goals I achieve within a time frame set for myself. Whether those goals and time frames are realistic or not, doesn't matter.

It's the only way to keep going, to escape and remedy the past.

Ambition, Arrogance, and Aggression

In the Fiji IT industry, generally, progression is measured by one's current job position and to a slightly lesser (but more important) degree, one's salary.

Certifications or degrees are regarded as added weight to an IT professional's years of experience (or servitude and sucking up) in the industry, evidenced by once again, position and salary.

This has given rise to the trend of changing jobs every two or three years, especially after one's first job, known as 'the break'.

Personally, I had the arrogance to, God forbid, do what I want. This led to a turning up of the nose at Vinod Patel's offer of a full time contract as IT Support Officer, despite only fulfilling three months of the initial six month probationary period.

Having only thought about the offer for 30 odd minutes, the realization of the desire to do what I studied, and more importantly, to pursue ambitions my own way led to a decision to go against the flow of society.

In hindsight, maybe the full time offer should have been accepted, after which greener pastures could have been found, because it is said that finding a new job is easier when one already has a job.

Simply put, I didn't want to become an office drone for the next 2 to 3 odd years, slowly and inexorably missing out on the chance to apply all that I had learned during my 2.5 years of university study.

Besides which, Vinod Patel? Come on, what are the chances of positional and knowledge advancement in the IT department of a hardware company. There was also the fact that my father, being the good parent that he is, had spoken with the Big Patel himself to get me said probationary position.

Such was my arrogance at the time, or the folly of youth, according to the IT industry and society's perspective. Not to mention the deliberate smack in the face of Mr. Vinod Patel and to a lesser extent, my father's.

Having pissed all over the contract, I resigned and decided to make my own way, without handouts or favors being calling in (thus removing any perception of debt).

A plan began formulating within your blogger's thick skull. The plan involved applying for only those IT positions where what had been studied could be applied. Basically, information systems and business solutions development.

An imperative objective set for myself within this ambitious plan was to get what I wanted as fast as I could, within 3-4 years, without fear of the consequences. If it required job hopping every year, so be it.

Being the man with the plan, the rest was easy i.e. being patient, telling interviewers what they wanted to hear, and playing my cards right.

First stepping stone was a foreign owned and (very) small IT consultancy firm. Being the only employee with an IT degree, I had ample opportunity to tinker with things, learn, and more importantly make contacts within the industry.

Having served my time there, and reaching the boundary of all that could be applied or learned, I started putting out the word through industry friends and contacts that I was (once again) looking for a new job/challenge.

Surprisingly, word did spread, and Fiji Times IT was advertising for a web developer. Based off a simple character reference and skimpy resume, an interview appointment was made.

Needless to say, I got the position, and the rest was fucking history.

Now for the reason I actually bothered to type up this brief 'life story'.

Ambition is crooning it's deadly siren song again, and the inner demon is impatient, knowing that time is running out.